Secondary Doesn't Mean Second Place
“How old is the baby?” My daughter’s Sunday
school teacher asked.
“The-there isn’t one…” I stuttered.
“But… she said?” She was clearly confused.
“She pretends she has little
sisters, but they’re just dolls,” I clarified.
“Oh…”
I held E’s hand in mine as we turned
and walked away in silence. I tried to block the pain from stinging my heart,
but it lingered nonetheless. I can’t blame her teacher for the
hurt. The poor lady was trying to be friendly. She doesn’t know the situation
or how long we’ve been trying. She doesn’t know how painful and disappointing
each month can be or how E pretends to have little sisters.
If you argue with E that they are
dolls, she will not flinch at correcting you, “No! They are real!” She tells
everyone about her little sisters. She plays and cares for them daily. They’ve
had their first words, steps, and birthdays multiple times. She forces me to
hold them and help take care of them. She’ll be concerned about who will babysit them, if they’ve had breakfast, if their diapers were changed, and how they will be buckled into the car. I honestly don’t like to play this game
of pretend, but how can I argue with her sweet innocence. The biggest mistake I
made was telling her what we would name her little sisters (because we’re those
people who have all our nonexistent children’s names picked out.). E named her dolls those names. My little princess
longs to be a big sister.
Secondary infertility is one of the
most misunderstood and overlooked areas of infertility. I didn’t even know it
had a term until I joined a support group. MayoClinic defines secondary
infertility as, “The inability to become pregnant or to carry a baby to term
after previously giving birth to a baby. Secondary infertility shares many of
the same causes of primary infertility.” About 12% of couples in the United
State are diagnosed with secondary infertility, and it affects roughly half of
all infertility cases. RESOLVE, the national infertility association, states
that couples facing secondary infertility receive less social support than
couples with primary infertility. Secondary infertility is a very isolating
diagnosis. Many times couples feel like others can’t empathize with their pain
and are reluctant to reach out. Couples often experience feelings of anxiety,
sadness, failure, guilt, anger, and jealousy.
Secondary infertility doesn’t just
impact the couple but also the child(ren) they already have. In the
muck of the emotions, they do not only have to carry their own pain and
disappointment but also that of their child. The couple has to explain to the child's little
heart why they don’t have a baby sister or brother. Sometimes the child begs for a
sibling, but they aren’t old enough to understand the severity of the situation, which leads the couple to more guilt.
People often say phrases such as: “when are you going to
have another?” or “Don’t you want to give them a sibling?” If only they knew how badly we want to give siblings. "Just relax, don't worry, and it'll happen." It's hard to relax in the world of infertility with emotions, hormones, and schedules. Even so, relaxing won't take away the diagnosis. “At least
you have one healthy child.” Couples never doubt how blessed and thankful they
are for their child(ren), but that does not diminish the desire for more child
and to provide siblings.
Secondary infertility does not mean
pain takes second place. Each journey has its own can of worms. Whether primary
or secondary, treatment or natural, adoption or foster care, we cannot compare
our journeys of infertility. As women and couples struggling, we need to
support each other despite the differences of our journey. As family and friends of those battling infertility, prayer and compassion are the greatest ways to contribute.
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